On November 11, 1995 my birth mother died. She never heard my voice and she didn't even hold me long enough. It was my second trip to Russia when I wanted someone to take me to her grave. The experience was heart wrenching at the moment, but I knew I would feel the closure I so desperately longed for.
I remember walking down an empty path, which led me to where she was laid and buried. The wind blew gently through the trees and among the sides of my thin face. My eyes constantly scanned the different graves in this bare place. While everything in the atmosphere was calm, I was uneasy at every move. I stood alone for a moment and watched my cousins walk in front of me. I had stopped far behind them to allow the distance to separate us. I needed the room to breathe because in the inside, I was drowning. Approaching closer, I carefully watched my Aunt search for the single grave which enveloped my birth mother. My heart sunk towards the bottom of my chest but I found comfort when someone began to hold my hand.
I bought Tanya flowers prior to seeing her grave site. I had been told there was nothing there to see. And even though I did not know her, I felt like I should at least buy her roses as I knew they were her favorite. I remember landing on my knees sobbing for Tanya and for her absence in my life. I had waited a long time to see what I was just now seeing. She was a hole in my heart and now more than anything at her grave, I just wanted to hold her.
Even though there was alot wreckage between us, there was still enough there to love her. We took the time to place flowers upon the pile of dirt and then we began to drink. My Aunt had a few things to say so I carefully listened but I was quiet. My Aunt and cousins eventually walked away to leave me alone with Tanya for a minute or two. As I stood lonesome, I could feel their eyes move back and forth between looking at me and looking at each other.Standing there, I felt like something was expected of me. They suggested for me to speak a few words while I had the chance, but I was far from words. My deepest hope was that she could look at me and smile.
Her death broke me, maybe because I was blindsided by it. It had at one point in my life become my dream for her to look me in the eyes. But as I stood over her, I could only repeat that I was sorry we never met.
I remember walking down an empty path, which led me to where she was laid and buried. The wind blew gently through the trees and among the sides of my thin face. My eyes constantly scanned the different graves in this bare place. While everything in the atmosphere was calm, I was uneasy at every move. I stood alone for a moment and watched my cousins walk in front of me. I had stopped far behind them to allow the distance to separate us. I needed the room to breathe because in the inside, I was drowning. Approaching closer, I carefully watched my Aunt search for the single grave which enveloped my birth mother. My heart sunk towards the bottom of my chest but I found comfort when someone began to hold my hand.
I bought Tanya flowers prior to seeing her grave site. I had been told there was nothing there to see. And even though I did not know her, I felt like I should at least buy her roses as I knew they were her favorite. I remember landing on my knees sobbing for Tanya and for her absence in my life. I had waited a long time to see what I was just now seeing. She was a hole in my heart and now more than anything at her grave, I just wanted to hold her.
Even though there was alot wreckage between us, there was still enough there to love her. We took the time to place flowers upon the pile of dirt and then we began to drink. My Aunt had a few things to say so I carefully listened but I was quiet. My Aunt and cousins eventually walked away to leave me alone with Tanya for a minute or two. As I stood lonesome, I could feel their eyes move back and forth between looking at me and looking at each other.Standing there, I felt like something was expected of me. They suggested for me to speak a few words while I had the chance, but I was far from words. My deepest hope was that she could look at me and smile.
Her death broke me, maybe because I was blindsided by it. It had at one point in my life become my dream for her to look me in the eyes. But as I stood over her, I could only repeat that I was sorry we never met.
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