Family Faces are Magic Mirrors

(Meeting my Birth Father for the first time.)

Is that love or loss I see in your eyes? I finally stand before you and I feel the presence of your guilt. Your eyes are mine. I feel as your body trembles within my hands, should I let go? But this is the day I have been waiting for. I can see your face and how it has aged fast in this world but you are still beautiful to me. You were apart of my dream; the part that came true. And whether Tanya lies beneath or flies above, I know she would be happy for you and I. She loved us and I wish she were here to complete this moment; our moment. But I find comfort in knowing she would smile at my returned existence into both of your lives. 

I am Hoping.

The Letter I wrote that changed my world:

Dear Andrey,
My name is Sasha Stokes. I was born in Russia in 1992 and my name at that time was Alexandra Anatolievna Bayakina. I was placed in an orphanage not long after I was born and I was adopted by an American family in 1996. My birth father is Anatoliy Alexandrovitch Bayakin and my birth mother is Tatiana Berdievna Bayakina. Since we share the same mother, you would be my brother. I also know of another brother named Igor. All I know of him is that he was born in 1980. I am 17 now and hoping to get to know a little about you and Igor. I still live in the US, so I am hoping you can send me an email and tell me about yourself. It would be great to hear from you. Sasha

Anatoliy's Letter

Wednesday July 28, 2010

Sasha hello!
Today I received your letter, thank you. More and more you ask questions that are difficult to answer and I do not want to cause unnecessary pain. I met Tanya, after the motorcycle accident, and she was very beautiful. We met nice of the East Parlor, it is not easy to describe. We were good together. The only thing bad for us was the alcohol. We drank a lot and often. This was our Russian street life. Wine ruined what we understood, but we were strongly dependent on it. We were treated, sometimes helped but then it started again. When you were born, at first everything was fine. But then something happened and there was trouble, you were taken away. We tried to get you back. We got treatment, even would have stolen you from the hospital if it were possible. But we began to receive pressure from the authorities: police and Department of Education... In this situation we began to more and more drink. First Tanya's mother died then she herself died. Three times I laid in intensive care unit between heaven and earth. Then my mother died, she was 94 years old. You must understand how difficult it is for me to tell you but you wanted the truth. Sasha, I always thought of you and it is a miracle that you found me and even from America. I never would have believed it. Thank you for finding me and now everyday I think about it. Sasha, you are happy and that is good. You have good parents, sister, relatives and I am very happy for you. If I live to see you marry, and when you have kids... loneliness will be no more. Apart from you, I have no family left. Live happily ever after. Anatoliy.

Words from Anatoliy

Thursday July 29, 2010

Sasha Hello, I read your letter. Thank You. It was lucky that you found me. Sasha, I do not know what could have been your life in Russia, but I'm glad you live in another country. Of course this is strange and maybe even rude on my part. It is better when children leave when they are adults but for you, this already happened. Sasha, you ask about the hospitals. Blame the wine. Two times I laid there with delirium tremors and once with a lung injury. As concerns the Navy, everything was interesting. First was Sevastopol, then Murmansk and then Egypt. Then things were differently. Sasha take care of your health, and you are a future doctor and know everything. My brother committed suicide a year ago, out of despair. Sasha my favorite color is blue or gray and I love pasta, potatoes and mushrooms with salt. Well goodbye for now. Good Luck. 

I said Yes

They had told me my birth father was long time dead. They even gave me the supposed year he drank too much.  In my heart, I knew better than to believe but it was possible since birth mother was already gone. So accepting his death was lightened. I gave in and accepted that the term orphan suited me.

My Aunt struggled to talk with me about him. When I ever got the courage to ask about him, she would build a wall. I did not learn much from our conversations about him until one day I really began to dig deep.  The first thing I learned was he lived with his mother in the house next door to me when I was a baby. His name was Anatoliy Zakharov and he had drinking problems. He would often visit Tanya's apartment, bring the wine and they would drink together. My Aunt then proceeded to tell me how she had not been in his area since 1997 and had not seen him. But she had learned that there was a mix up about who died in the house, and in fact Anatoliy was possibly alive. I was in shock and in disbelief. I thought he had perished from my life completely. 

I wanted her to find him before I left for my trip to Russia but she did not believe it would be good for me. She thought he was not worthy of my attention and did not care about me. She could only see him as the man who hindered Tanya and failed to keep strong. She believed he caused me to suffer because when Tanya was in a drunken state, she could not care for me. In the end of our conversation she did ask me if I wanted her to go look for him. I said yes. 

Elana Dear

One day after walking home from the local food store, my Aunt and I decided to go sit in the courtyard. It was a perfect evening to be sitting in the wind. My Aunt began to introduce me to some of her neighbors and smoking buddies. Mixed within the group, I found an older lady. Her name was Elana and she was 85 years old. We did not talk much but she was kind enough to share her bread with me. Spending the afternoon together really touched my heart. We had become good friends that day even in the silent moments we shared. After I left Russia, I could not forget her and thought about her for a long time. She had become someone special to me. I remember how she was smaller than me. Her bones were visible but her mind was strong. I noticed how her clothes fit but they were old enough to fall off her. She did not seem to have much left to live for, but she appeared happy and at peace. Elana made me wonder why some live long and others die young. Why had she survived and my own had not? 

Her death was not the ending.

On November 11, 1995 my birth mother died. She never heard my voice and she didn't even hold me long enough. It was my second trip to Russia when I wanted someone to take me to her grave. The experience was heart wrenching at the moment, but I knew I would feel the closure I so desperately longed for.

I remember walking down an empty path, which led me to where she was laid and buried. The wind blew gently through the trees and among the sides of my thin face. My eyes constantly scanned the different graves in this bare place. While everything in the atmosphere was calm, I was uneasy at every move. I stood alone for a moment and watched my cousins walk in front of me. I had stopped far behind them to allow the distance to separate us. I needed the room to breathe because in the inside, I was drowning. Approaching closer, I carefully watched my Aunt search for the single grave which enveloped my birth mother. My heart sunk towards the bottom of my chest but I found comfort when someone began to hold my hand.

I bought Tanya flowers prior to seeing her grave site. I had been told there was nothing there to see. And even though I did not know her, I felt like I should at least buy her roses as I knew they were her favorite. I remember landing on my knees sobbing for Tanya and for her absence in my life. I had waited a long time to see what I was just now seeing. She was a hole in my heart and now more than anything at her grave, I just wanted to hold her.

 Even though there was alot wreckage between us, there was still enough there to love her. We took the time to place flowers upon the pile of dirt and then we began to drink. My Aunt had a few things to say so I carefully listened but I was quiet. My Aunt and cousins eventually walked away to leave me alone with Tanya for a minute or two. As I stood lonesome, I could feel their eyes move back and forth between looking at me and looking at each other.Standing there, I felt like something was expected of me. They suggested for me to speak a few words while I had the chance, but I was far from words. My deepest hope was that she could look at me and smile.

Her death broke me, maybe because I was blindsided by it. It had at one point in my life become my dream for her to look me in the eyes. But as I stood over her, I could only repeat that I was sorry we never met. 

Two Very Important Letters. The Beginning of Everything.

Sunday February 14 2010 6:54 am

Greetings of Sasha. My name is Sveta Martynova. My mom, Antonina Berdievna Martynova and your native mother Tatyana Berdievna Bajakina are sisters. Your parents have died in 1995-1997. Your brother Andrey after death of mom lived in our family but lives independently now. Igor, your big brother recently became a father, his son was born. Igor and Andrey photo we will send later. I am 29 years and I have a sister. Her name is Natasha is 32 years and has a daughter named Marina who is 5 years. I have a daughter named Zhenya and she is 8 years old.
Sveta



Wednesday March 17 2010 9:48 am

Hello dear Alex,
I am sorry but I can not write frequently. Seldom at home because of a lot work. I saw your picture. You are very like your mother. Your mom was very kind, beautiful, loved to sew and knit. She was very fond of children. When I was growing up we often visited you. I remember how we had fun playing with your mom and you were a baby. But your mother had a health problem after a car accident, she had a prosthetic leg. She could not work and received benefits but still lived hard. There was also a problem with alchohol abuse. This is why you went to a children home, you were 1 year and 8 months. All these years we thought about you and remembered and wanted to meet. When we received your letter, we were very happy. My mother told Uncle Sasha Bekauv who lives in Lipetsk. He has the ability to communicate over the interenet, so he responded to you first. My mom is preparing a photo album of our big family, you soon will receive.
Sveta


(Even though this was not the first letter I received from my birth family,
it was the first letter which helped me gain a sense of who Tanya was. )

I Stayed Alive When Everything Died

A Letter from My Brother Andrey



When I was only six months old, father left us. It was difficult for mom to bring up two children alone. In angst, she turned to drink. I grew up with brother and most of the time we grew up on the streets. When I was young, I fought almost everybody in school and remember breaking a boys nose. At this time, mother was with a new man. They were in a motorcycle accident and mother lost her leg. She struggled and felt worse at the reality of no husband, no money, and no leg.  But she did not give up. In this time, we wanted everything but sometimes we had nothing. Me and brother learned how to steal so we could bring food home. When I was thirteen years old, we left home and went to Moscow so we could steal more. Many things happened during that year. Mom was now with Anatoliy, your father. Our uncle was sent to prison and in the house there was fighting. After Uncle was released he died.  Then you were born and I gave up school to help raise you. Brother and I stole a lot and everything. One day, I was scared and told brother I will not steal again. So brother went without me. He was caught and imprisoned. While he was sitting in jail, mom was deprived of her rights for you and you were sent to an orphanage. Our grandmother first died and then mom died right before my eyes. I was in shock at all that happened. I was going to run but Aunt took me to her home. I began to go to school again but not for very long. I spent two years with my father but he kicked me out and I did not understand why. Then I lived with brother and then another. I served in the army for two years and afterwards, I became a professional in construction. And now I have everything well. Now I have you.